How do you know that your relationship is healthy? What signs can you look for if you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Would you even be able to know?
Here is an outline of what a codependent and toxic relationship is:
What is a codependent relationship?
The first way to see if your relationship is healthy is to learn about the kinds of relationships that are unhealthy.
Codependency
A codependent relationship is a type of relationship in which one partner is overly reliant on the other for emotional and psychological support, to the point where their own sense of self is diminished. In this type of relationship, the partner who is more dependent may feel like they cannot function without the other person, while the other partner may feel overwhelmed and responsible for the dependent partner's well-being. Codependent relationships are toxic and can be damaging to both partners involved.
While working in an inpatient psychiatric clinical setting, I have seen firsthand how the dynamics between a husband and wife can turn toxic. When one partner becomes overly reliant on the other for emotional support and validation, a codependent relationship can develop. This is a relationship in which one partner sacrifices their own needs and wants in order to meet the needs of the other partner, often to the point of neglecting their own well-being.
So how does a healthy relationship turn toxic?
One of the main reasons that a healthy relationship can turn into a codependent and toxic one is that it becomes imbalanced. One partner is taking on too much responsibility for the other's emotional needs, which can be overwhelming and lead to burnout. Meanwhile, the dependent partner is not developing the skills they need to be self-sufficient and independent, which can cause long-term problems in their life.
The interactions between a couple that can develop into a codependent relationship can be subtle at first. It can happen slowly over an elongated period of time. In a relationship, two individuals join together and compliment, encourage, support, and build a stronger, single unit. During this time the dynamics of dominance over the other can shift as one part of the unit compensates to increase their partners sense of self esteem, emotional wellness, or self perception. Perhaps one partner feels a need to constantly seek the other's approval or validation, or feels like they cannot function without the other person.
Over time, these behaviors can become ingrained, leading to a dynamic in which one partner feels like they must constantly cater to the other's needs. This shift causes the healthy unit to become reliant on one halves emotional wellness. It will feel like consistently walking around on eggshells with hopes of assuring their partners emotions are in a good state of mind. When one half is happy the others emotional wellness becomes reliant, reflective and mimics their partners. When a partner is angry or depressed, then the couples unit as a whole both feels that shift and the emotional wellness of the unit is in that angry or depressive state. Instead of strengthening the unit to become better as a whole than as each person can be individually, there is a daily struggle to keep a grasp on an emotional pot ready to boil over and explode.
What does a toxic relationship look like?
There are several ways to recognize a toxic and codependent relationship. Some of the signs include: feeling like you cannot live without the other person, constantly seeking their approval and validation, neglecting your own needs and wants in favor of theirs, and feeling like you are responsible for their emotions and well-being. You may also feel like you are walking on eggshells around your partner, or that they are controlling or manipulative.
Signs of a toxic and codependent relationship can include:
One person always puts the other person's needs above their own, even to the detriment of their own well-being.
Feeling like you're walking on eggshells around your partner, because you're afraid of their reactions.
Constant criticism, blame, or belittling from one partner to the other.
One partner controlling the other's actions or decisions.
One partner using emotional manipulation or guilt to get what they want.
Jealousy, possessiveness, or insecurity causing tension and conflict.
The relationship feels like a rollercoaster ride of extreme highs and lows.
One partner consistently plays the role of victim, while the other partner feels responsible for their partner's happiness.
What makes a relationship healthy?
In order for a relationship to be healthy and successful, both partners must have a sense of equality, trust, compromise, and communication with respect and dignity. Each partner needs to have their own voice and be heard, and each partner needs to be willing to compromise in order to meet the needs of the other.
Another aspect of a healthy relationship is the need to strengthen the bond of a relationship, it is important to explore the needs of each other and to establish respect and boundaries. Each partner should be encouraged to pursue their own interests and hobbies, while also making time for shared activities and experiences.
According to experts in the field of clinical behavior psychologists, developing a healthy and strong relationship requires a combination of individual responsibility, mutual respect, and effective communication. Each partner must take responsibility for their own actions, emotions, and growth. They must also respect the other person's individuality, goals, and values.
Healthy Conflict Resolution: The right way to fight
Effective communication is essential in building a healthy relationship. Partners should communicate openly and honestly, and actively listen to each other's perspectives. They should also avoid blame and criticism, and focus on finding solutions to conflicts rather than placing blame.
How to resolve conflicts in a healthy way? Experts recommend the following steps:
Acknowledge the problem: Both partners should acknowledge the issue at hand and be willing to address it.
Take a break if necessary: If emotions are running high, it may be helpful to take a break and come back to the conversation later.
Listen to each other: Each partner should actively listen to the other person's perspective, without interrupting or judging.
Express yourself clearly: Each partner should express their own feelings and needs clearly and respectfully.
Find common ground: Both partners should work together to find a solution that meets both of their needs and respects their individual boundaries.
Follow up: Once a resolution has been reached, it's important to follow up and ensure that both partners are satisfied with the outcome.
Overall, building a healthy and strong relationship requires a willingness to take responsibility, respect each other's individuality, and communicate effectively. By following these principles, conflicts can be resolved in a healthy way, and the relationship can grow stronger over time.
A healthy relationship can develop into a toxic one for various reasons, including:
Lack of communication: Over time, a couple may stop talking to each other or stop listening to each other. This can lead to misunderstandings, resentment, and pent-up anger.
Power imbalance: When one partner holds more power or control over the other, it can create an unhealthy dynamic where the weaker partner feels powerless and resentful.
Unresolved issues: If a couple doesn't address underlying issues like jealousy, trust, or commitment, it can lead to ongoing conflict and resentment.
Lack of personal boundaries: When one partner doesn't respect the other's personal boundaries, it can lead to feelings of being trapped or suffocated.
Emotional baggage: If one or both partners have unresolved emotional baggage from past relationships or experiences, it can impact their ability to communicate and connect with each other in a healthy way.
If you find yourself in a toxic or codependent relationship, what should you do?
Finding yourself in a toxic or codependent relationship can have long lasting and intense negative effects to both you physical, psychological, and mental health and wellbeing. That is why it is important to take steps to distance yourself from the relationship. This can be difficult, especially if you have been in the relationship for a long time or if you feel like you cannot function without the other person. However, it is essential for your own well-being that you learn to set boundaries, prioritize your own needs, and develop a support system outside of the relationship. You may look around and see that you are surrounded by friends and family that are all your partners. You have been effectively isolated from all of the people you cared about prior to being in a relationship. This gives your partner the ability to control you without people who care about you stepping in and telling you that you may be headed down a wrong path.
It is important to recognize when a relationship has become toxic, as the implications of being in a toxic codependent relationship can be severe. In the short term, being in such a relationship can lead to weakened immune system, insomnia, anxiety, high blood pressure, stress on your heart, depression, sleep deprivation, and in extreme cases, sleep deprived psychosis or other mental health issues can occur. In the long term, toxic relationships can cause long lasting emotional damage, including low self-esteem, trust issues, and difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future. Over time, the stress of being in a toxic relationship can lead to physical and mental health problems such as the incapability of making decisions, lack of personal goals, lack of confidence, lack of self care, as well as a lack of personal growth and development. It can cause damage to the frontal cortex of you brain. Yes it can cause brain damage leaving you in a constant state of anxiety, low feeling of self worth, non existence of self esteem, and a loss of a sense of self. It will cause a sort of Stockholm Syndrome where the thought of being without the other person is so terrifying that there is no way you can possibly understand how to live without the other person. You forget that you are an individual and lose all of your sense of individuality. Brain imaging scans can not differentiate someone in a toxic relationship and a hard core drug addict. The same reword centers that are activated from drug use are activated in the rollercoaster of emotional turmoil.
The brain operates the same in the addicted mind set in this relationship dynamic as if you were using drugs. From the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep you are trying to get the dopamine and serotonin receptors to activate to get that feeling of goodness and wellbeing that you get when you get positive acknowledgment from your partner. And just like taking drugs away from an addict, the addicted brains biggest fear is the loss of the other persons validation. At the end of a toxic relationship, the person on the receiving end of the abuse goes through a mental withdrawal very similar to withdrawals from long term drug use. Everything around you will fall apart and your will to continue and better yourself falls away in the face of the loss. You will do anything just to get back into the abusive cycle of the relationship.
When is enough, enough?
The relationship takes over your personality, and you can't distinguish yourself from the broken team. Things that you would have never allowed at the beginning of the relationship you will willingly concede to just to be allowed to be a part of your partners life such as cheating or physical abuse. This is mental and psychological abuse that you are unwittingly suffering from as you fall deeper and deeper under the others control. Once the scales are at the tipping point, there may be no going back to how things were. You will effectively morn the loss of not only the love you once had for yourself and your partner but also for the future that you always thought would be there. Everything you do, every decision you make will effect your future and your future alone.
If you suspect that you are in a toxic codependent relationship, it is important to seek help from someone who can provide guidance and support. You can find help here by contacting one of our mental health and relationship coaches who can help guide you through a very hard and painful time that so many people can't understand the pain you are feeling. We can help you learn about healthy relationships and help rebuild your self esteem and self worth by setting up goals and teaching you about setting healthy boundaries. By learning to establish healthy boundaries and communicate effectively, you can begin to create a healthier and more balanced dynamic in your relationship. Remember, a healthy relationship is one in which both partners feel valued and respected, and are able to grow and thrive both individually and as a couple.
Is there a point when the only way forward is to walk away?
In marriage, 'To Death Do Us Part' and 'As Long As You Both Shall Live' are vows made to one another. In the eyes of many religions, divorce is wrong. But there does come a time when a relationship can become so toxic it cause the death part will come sooner because of the relationship. This also doesn't include the long-term effects a codependent relationship has on both you and any children that you may share together. We hear about children that come from broken homes but there is an even bigger issue with children who live in a home that is broken. We discussed the effects this relationship will have on you as an individual, but children who grow up in a toxic relationship may be at more of a risk of developing a range of emotional, behavioral, and social problems. They may struggle with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. They may also have difficulty forming healthy relationships and may be more likely to engage in risky behaviors as they grow older. There comes a point where walking away from a toxic relationship is often necessary for an individual's physical and psychological well-being as well as your own ability for self growth and feeling of self worth. There needs to be a point where we emphasize the importance of taking responsibility for one's own life and making choices that promote personal growth and happiness.
So, If you feel that your relationship went from a dream, something so beautiful that songs and poems are written about it, something that so many people can only read about but you actually feel such an abundance of love and importance, to falling into something that is toxic, it is detrimental to everyone involved. This is because the imbalanced between you and your partner will prevent both partners from developing the skills and independence needed to succeed in life. To recognize a toxic and codependent relationship, it is important to look for signs such as feeling overly responsible for your partner's emotions and well-being. To distance yourself from the relationship, it is important to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs. The short and long-term consequences of a toxic relationship can include physical and mental health problems and a lack of personal development. It is essential to recognize the signs of a codependent relationship and take steps to distance yourself for the sake of your own well-being. Remember you are not alone. We are here to help guide you through this dark and lonely path to regain your sense of self. We Are One. Contact us for help and support. The more you know the better and brighter your light will shine for the world to see.
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